Making a Difference

Did you know a woman’s lifetime risk of dying from invasive ovarian cancer is 1 in 95? Did you know fewer than 20 percent of ovarian cancer patients are diagnosed early? Did you know that there is no reliable, early detection test for ovarian cancer? I didn’t know any of this, until February 17, 2010 when my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer. That day I did a lot of research about this disease that I knew nothing about. The things that I found were not comforting. I learned that my mom only had about 27% chance of a five-year survival. I learned a lot that week.

Today, I have found inspiration in my mom’s strength and her fight. My mother had a very short battle with cancer, but she didn’t give up for one minute. She fought all the way to the end, and she did it with a smile on her face and a joke for the nurses. While mom was having her chemo, the nurses came in several times to tell my mom how beautiful and amazing she was, “We don’t often hear such beautiful laughter coming from the rooms in the cancer wing”. Throughout her short fight, she made sure that we all knew how much she loved us and tried to instill a will to go on and prosper. Because of her fight and her beautiful soul, I have been inspired to make sure that others are aware of this disease often called “the silent killer” and make sure that women are educated. I have participated in several opportunities with great local and national organizations to help “spread the word” about ovarian cancer and make sure that women know the symptoms of this disease and advocate for themselves when going to the doctor. It’s been such a blessing to be able to be a part of each and every event, no matter how small.

My mom has also inspired me to reach out in other ways, as well. Recently, I was connected with a woman in her early twenties who had just lost her mother after a difficult battle with ovarian cancer. She was looking for someone who could offer her support going through a tough situation. Being connected with her has been an amazing experience. Being able to listen to her story, and being able to offer some comfort with sharing mine has given me even more inspiration to continue along in this journey. After the initial shock of the situation wore off, I have always been open about my experience and willing to share it, in the hopes that it could someday help someone. This, however, has been a completely different experience. I have been able to connect with another person on a completely different level after experiencing a very similar thing – losing someone who means so much to you from something that we knew nothing about prior. I find that, even after two years, there are still certain things that can bring back the tears instantly, but, even though I find the tears may flow a little more easier than normal during (or after) these conversations, it’s been a very beautiful experience.

My mom always encouraged me to help out, give back however I can. Some days, I do not feel like I have much that I can give back to others. Today, however, after speaking with this young woman, I feel like I was able to give something back. Today, I can feel as though maybe I am making a difference in some way. I have my mom to thank for this; for the values she taught me and the love she showed me. Today, I am inspired to continue in this journey and continue offering education and support. Thank you, mom, for always being there to support and inspire me - even now, when your physical body has gone and I am left with your memory and your words.

“What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make” - Jane Goodall

My Mirror Image

So, it’s that time of year again…my sister’s birthday. It’s a pretty big deal around here. We hear about it non-stop all year round (except during Christmas – then all we hear about is Christmas) – “hey, it is only 174 days until my birthday!” “What are you getting me? Is it a Barbie?”

I have to admit, my sister is someone I admire with all of my heart, especially in the past several years. She’s always been her own kind of person. She did what she wanted to do and said what she wanted to say. She was always having fun, no matter what she was doing. There were so many times I wanted to join in the game of Barbie’s but didn’t, because I didn’t want to look too “uncool”. Now, I look at her, all grown up doing the same thing. She found a passion in life and she chased it. She chased it all the way until she found it. Now, she’s doing what she loves every day. Nothing makes me prouder than opening a newspaper and seeing something she has written. She is one of the biggest sources of inspiration in my life. I hope to, someday, have accomplished half of what she has. She is, in my book, the definition of success.

She has also always been there for me when I needed someone and no one else was there. She has always been there to talk to me when I’m having a bad day, say something witty to make the tears stop falling, and making an unexpected trip to come and see me on the way home when I am not feeling well. She has been my rock in many situations when I felt I couldn’t go on any more. She’s always been my go to person when I need a helping hand, and she has always been there, even when she might have needed someone to do the same for her. Her selflessness is commendable and admirable. I wish I could do what she does, but some days I just don’t have her strength. My sister is everything that I hope to be some day. She is one of my biggest sources of inspiration.

“Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink”

~ Barbara Alpert

Life is Beautiful...

I think of myself as a smart woman. I have a lot of life experience. I've lived through things most will not (thank God). I've gone to college. I've advanced in my career. I've read hundreds of books. I've talked with professors of many different topics. I've been a willing participant in many debates (and I think I have a pretty successful record). Even though this is all true, I've noticed in the past several weeks there has been something missing. Something that was important to me as a child. Something my parents taught me.

This "something" is taking the time to find things that are beautiful, inspiring, and say something meaningful to me. I haven't been doing this. I have been living life so fast and forgetting what my parents taught me - slow down and enjoy the small beautiful things that we see every day.

This kind of makes me sad. I'm not going to lie. I have very fond memories growing up of adventures to places unknown where we would find small, beautiful things that were off the beaten path. Things that we had to slow down to see. My mom and dad were such great parents that they saw the importance of including this in our lives along with the rush of the day to day. I just have to say, I was sure blessed with amazing parents. I'm so thankful for them and all of the things they did for me and taught me.

So, to honor my parents (my father who still helps me do this whenever he can, and my mother who is looking down on me, giving me subtle reminders when they are needed), I am going to embark on a personal journey. I am going to stop and find something inspiring every day. I am going to take a picture to document my inspiration. I am going to draw something to portray what I am feeling. I am going to create something to share my journey.

Today, my inspiration came from a very simple source. I was cleaning my apartment (I know, GASP) and found something that was perfect. It is a simple picture holder, with a picture, and a poem that was given to me by my grandmother when my mom passed away. This picture and poem has been a source of comfort for me on days that I am having a hard time living my life without my mom. It also reminds me of the beauty of her love - for my dad, for life, for us. Even though I can't physically hold my mom's hand or feel her hug - she is here. She is guiding me through life through the experiences she shared with me as a child. Thank God for all she did for me. Life sure is beautiful because of her.

Beautifully Broken

"Not till we are lost do we begin to find ourselves" ~ Unknown

It’s been months since I have found myself sitting down at the computer, trying to write. It’s not been easy for me to get my feelings down on paper. It’s strange. I’ve always been able to sit down and journal for hours. I can’t get anything out, no matter how hard I try. It’s been very discouraging. I just want to find that inner part of me that I love so much. It’s been a battle of happy, sad, angry, and every emotion in between for the past several months. I found myself drifting further and further away from whom I know I am.

There was the relationship that didn’t work out no matter how hard I tried – that hurt. I invested a lot of myself into this relationship. It didn’t seem to matter, it was never enough – I was never enough. The harmful, spiteful words he spoke on a regular basis hurt even worse than knowing that he didn’t want to fight any more like I had wanted.  I find myself thinking of some of those words spat at me months ago in a rage, and I find it hurting me more than I should on some days – it was like he knew exactly what to say to hurt me most – he knew exactly what he was doing, of this I am sure – I told him. It didn’t seem to matter, however, because it continued until that day I said I couldn’t do it anymore. These awful things that this person from my past has said to me shouldn’t matter to me, but it seemed as though they knew exactly what they needed to say to make me feel as belittled as possible.  Even more painful is how much effort that I had put forth to try and make things work – trying to change myself, until it hit me how stupid that was. Why would I change me? Before him, I liked me.

I found myself in other situations that I would have rather not gone through if I had the choice – a fire in my home, an illness which leaves many of my days pain filled, and, worst of it all the constant empty space in my heart that was once filled with my mother’s laughter. I find myself so frustrated when I hear people make comments that they would rather do this or that than see or speak with their mom. I would give anything to get moments with my mom back. But, the thing is…you can’t. When they are gone, they are gone. I feel guilty about all those times it was me saying I had something else to do instead of going home. It happened, and now I regret it.

Even though life’s handed me some lemons, I’ve decided to find some sugar and make lemonade. I’ve been blessed to find someone absolutely amazing in every regard to be a part of my crazy life.  This person has helped me more than they could ever know in so many small ways – some of the smallest things I would have never expected. This person holds (and will always hold) a very special place in my heart for all of the things they have done. I couldn’t have asked for anything else at this point in my life – it’s exactly what was needed. My heart and soul have been reopened to possibilities that I had tried to tell myself weren’t possible. I have been challenged to try new things and not hold back – to push to the limits and see that things ARE possible.

Despite all of these beautiful things in the past several months, I’ve had a hard time connecting with who I am, where I belong, and what my relationship with God is. I’ve been trying much harder to try and find or notice these connections whenever I can. I’m starting to see them more and more.

One morning, my sister and I went out for breakfast. I was in a bad mood because I had to work and wasn’t able to do any of the fun things that I wanted or be with the people I wanted to be with. While sitting in a little restaurant, I found several things that reaffirmed all of the things I had been struggling with. After mom died, I didn’t know if I could trust in the idea of the true, forever kind of love. I thought my parents had it – but my mom was taken away so fast. My dad should have had so much more time with her. My trust in the idea had really been shaken, I didn’t know if I wanted to put myself out there when I didn’t fully trust in the idea – BUT, that morning in the restaurant, I saw that there is such a thing as true, forever love. I watched an older couple walk in, arm in arm. They watched each other with a look of love and kindness and trust. That couple reaffirmed for me that there is such a thing. I instantly felt my heart open to the idea again.

There are so many days when I question if I am where I should be. There are days when I miss the smell of hay in the breeze, the true sound of silence, and the eye opening beauty of shining stars. Then, one day, I found something that made me feel as if I was in exactly the right spot. It was the most beautiful moment. I was out doing an intake for work. On my way, I noticed off the highway a ways was a church. Something about it called to me. I did my job, and on the way home, I searched the church out. From the moment I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the vehicle, I knew I was right where I was meant to be. I had instantly found my connection to God. In that parking lot, I smelled the smell of hay blowing in the breeze, I heard the sound of true silence, and the sight of the church awed me. It was exactly what I needed – it told me that I was in the right place. It’s what I needed to feel more like myself and I was going on the right path.

I realized I need to find more of these moments, more of these people, and see more of these affirmations of true happiness in life. They are all around me. I just need to open my eyes and see them instead of running through life so fast that I am unable to see these things. I need to stop at those places that call out to me, I need to stop and enjoy that smell of hay in the breeze for just a little bit longer, and I need to find places where I can find myself and connect to myself and God. I just need to take a little more time. I just need to slow down and live life. I’ve realized that not until we are lost are we able to find ourselves.

"Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson