Beautifully Broken

"Not till we are lost do we begin to find ourselves" ~ Unknown

It’s been months since I have found myself sitting down at the computer, trying to write. It’s not been easy for me to get my feelings down on paper. It’s strange. I’ve always been able to sit down and journal for hours. I can’t get anything out, no matter how hard I try. It’s been very discouraging. I just want to find that inner part of me that I love so much. It’s been a battle of happy, sad, angry, and every emotion in between for the past several months. I found myself drifting further and further away from whom I know I am.

There was the relationship that didn’t work out no matter how hard I tried – that hurt. I invested a lot of myself into this relationship. It didn’t seem to matter, it was never enough – I was never enough. The harmful, spiteful words he spoke on a regular basis hurt even worse than knowing that he didn’t want to fight any more like I had wanted.  I find myself thinking of some of those words spat at me months ago in a rage, and I find it hurting me more than I should on some days – it was like he knew exactly what to say to hurt me most – he knew exactly what he was doing, of this I am sure – I told him. It didn’t seem to matter, however, because it continued until that day I said I couldn’t do it anymore. These awful things that this person from my past has said to me shouldn’t matter to me, but it seemed as though they knew exactly what they needed to say to make me feel as belittled as possible.  Even more painful is how much effort that I had put forth to try and make things work – trying to change myself, until it hit me how stupid that was. Why would I change me? Before him, I liked me.

I found myself in other situations that I would have rather not gone through if I had the choice – a fire in my home, an illness which leaves many of my days pain filled, and, worst of it all the constant empty space in my heart that was once filled with my mother’s laughter. I find myself so frustrated when I hear people make comments that they would rather do this or that than see or speak with their mom. I would give anything to get moments with my mom back. But, the thing is…you can’t. When they are gone, they are gone. I feel guilty about all those times it was me saying I had something else to do instead of going home. It happened, and now I regret it.

Even though life’s handed me some lemons, I’ve decided to find some sugar and make lemonade. I’ve been blessed to find someone absolutely amazing in every regard to be a part of my crazy life.  This person has helped me more than they could ever know in so many small ways – some of the smallest things I would have never expected. This person holds (and will always hold) a very special place in my heart for all of the things they have done. I couldn’t have asked for anything else at this point in my life – it’s exactly what was needed. My heart and soul have been reopened to possibilities that I had tried to tell myself weren’t possible. I have been challenged to try new things and not hold back – to push to the limits and see that things ARE possible.

Despite all of these beautiful things in the past several months, I’ve had a hard time connecting with who I am, where I belong, and what my relationship with God is. I’ve been trying much harder to try and find or notice these connections whenever I can. I’m starting to see them more and more.

One morning, my sister and I went out for breakfast. I was in a bad mood because I had to work and wasn’t able to do any of the fun things that I wanted or be with the people I wanted to be with. While sitting in a little restaurant, I found several things that reaffirmed all of the things I had been struggling with. After mom died, I didn’t know if I could trust in the idea of the true, forever kind of love. I thought my parents had it – but my mom was taken away so fast. My dad should have had so much more time with her. My trust in the idea had really been shaken, I didn’t know if I wanted to put myself out there when I didn’t fully trust in the idea – BUT, that morning in the restaurant, I saw that there is such a thing as true, forever love. I watched an older couple walk in, arm in arm. They watched each other with a look of love and kindness and trust. That couple reaffirmed for me that there is such a thing. I instantly felt my heart open to the idea again.

There are so many days when I question if I am where I should be. There are days when I miss the smell of hay in the breeze, the true sound of silence, and the eye opening beauty of shining stars. Then, one day, I found something that made me feel as if I was in exactly the right spot. It was the most beautiful moment. I was out doing an intake for work. On my way, I noticed off the highway a ways was a church. Something about it called to me. I did my job, and on the way home, I searched the church out. From the moment I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the vehicle, I knew I was right where I was meant to be. I had instantly found my connection to God. In that parking lot, I smelled the smell of hay blowing in the breeze, I heard the sound of true silence, and the sight of the church awed me. It was exactly what I needed – it told me that I was in the right place. It’s what I needed to feel more like myself and I was going on the right path.

I realized I need to find more of these moments, more of these people, and see more of these affirmations of true happiness in life. They are all around me. I just need to open my eyes and see them instead of running through life so fast that I am unable to see these things. I need to stop at those places that call out to me, I need to stop and enjoy that smell of hay in the breeze for just a little bit longer, and I need to find places where I can find myself and connect to myself and God. I just need to take a little more time. I just need to slow down and live life. I’ve realized that not until we are lost are we able to find ourselves.

"Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson